The more I think about it the more I digest my mothers reaction. I understand she is entitled to her beliefs and due to her Christian beliefs she is worried about me. She did attempt to help me shop for more froufrou girly clothes but is it too much to just be happy for me that I have found a faith that I connect too? The strain she shows is obvious and I am torn between understanding and being offended.
My whole life has been spent worrying about what others thought and trying to conform to others beliefs and what they like so I would not be rejected. I finally step out on my own and do something from my heart and for me and lol I feel somewhat rejected and....I can't find the word. Anyway, it is very off putting. To get caught up in your own beliefs that you think it is the only answer or way and feel you have to insult others with telling them "Jesus is going to visit them" with a tone that was insulting is insulting and sort of makes me mad. I was not brought up to think I was better then the next person so when did that all change?
I did not chose to be Christian, it was the only thing I was taught. It was the only thing that I thought I had an option to be. I wasn't given a choice to learn about other religions, to study or educate myself with them. I never connected with Christianity regardless of how much I tried to understand, believe and practice it. If truth be told I haven't been Christian for years. I tried to take my son to church but how could I make him go to church when I knew I wasn't fully on board with Christianity.
I never understood the "trinity" and I never understood how the bible could tell us there are no good spirits just demons and fortune telling and horoscopes that tell your future are evil yet Jesus was supposedly embodied after death by God and brought back to life and the bible is full of teachings of the future. It just doesn't make sense to me and never has.
For someone to sit and tell me about my religion and what is in the Qur'an yet has never read the Qur'an and relies on what they have heard someone else say about the Qur'an. Yet when I address it with them and give them the correct meaning or correct teaching they adamantly deny what I say and insist on believing the demonizing of the Qur'an. Its insulting as a 44 year old woman who has studied this for a long time before converting to be yelled at as if I was wrong when my mother was wrong. I don't care who it is or how old the person is. I don't care if it were my 87 year old grandfather or my 65 year old mother if your wrong your wrong and I will not just keep my mouth shut because you feel your older and I should respect what you say even though you are wrong. Not going to happen with me! I chose to follow Islam for a reason because it is the right religion. I feel they are being left behind with their choice of Christianity, however, I do not tell them they are wrong and if my mom points out the things she thinks she knows about the Qur'an I point out the same thing in the Bible and oh my God she gets so mad. NO NO NO...and she is offended. Well, don't tell me mine is wrong regardless if I try to tell you the correct meaning or teaching and not allow me the same respect to do the same.
Ugh....I pray to Allah this will pass. I will have more patience and continue to follow my path. I prayed to God to guide me in the right direction no matter what direction that was and he led me to the truth of Islam. I am happy. That is what matters. I have decided that I will not be attending the family reunion. As much as people tried to make me comfortable and not say anything about Islam I could feel the tension. Mom was more worried about what my grandfather and auntie would think (which made me more nervous) then saying so what, your my daughter and if your happy and found a faith that if for you then who cares. smh.....nope....couldn't get that. Every time I said something about wearing hijab and asked if my neck was covered I could feel her discontentment. Her whispers to my sister under her breath that I could hear. smh......My father who is atheist may not understand but he is supportive. If one more person tells me to worry about a grandparents reaction instead of saying "ya know what Tracie is happy and living a wonderful life happily and she found a faith that has led her to God and that is OK" I will just distance myself further until they decide to come around. I will continue to live a good life and hopefully they will see by example that it is the right one and just be happy for me. Honestly, I have been treated better by strangers who have opened their hearts and their minds. I was taught to love everyone and respect everyone and not to push my beliefs on them. Some of the same family that taught me that is not practicing that.
Masha'Allah they come around.
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