I almost forgot to mention that on Saturday (May 27th 2012) my mom and step dad officially found out I'm Muslim. Went way better than I thought. My step dad always has a jab to make and most of the time he is joking but considering his bigoted character sometimes you have to really decipher if he is joking or not.
As I arrived stepping out of my vehicle in full hijab and covered from head to toe my step dad asked my sister "so, is she Muslim now?" My sister simply replied "yup." Then my mom made a statement to my sister sometime later that day as they both drove down the street to check on our beloved garage sale signs..."so your sister finally converted?" My sister simply said "yes."
Mind you, neither of them asked me about it all weekend but made comments here and there. I can only show by my character and behavior that Islam is good and being Muslim is a positive for me.
My step dad and I have never got along and quite frankly I never did like him and I know for a fact that he doesn't and never did like me. I will spare you the long drawn out story but lets just say I like dating outside of my race and he can not and never will accept it. Regardless, I forgive him for all the mean, nasty and hurtful things he has said and I pray God shows mercy on him.
My step dad and I actually got along fine and spoke to each other for the three days I was at the house helping with the garage sale. I love my mom dearly and always want her to be happy and want her to know I am happy and this is a good thing for me.
The scariest part is over and that was letting both sets of parents know I converted and it wasn't nearly close to being the over dramatized thing I expected, especially with their reactions that I expected. I don't ask my parents for permission to do anything and I felt it was my business, however, my sister urged me to tell them and I am glad she did. (well....she confirmed my moms and step dads suspicions *small quiet giggle*)
I am truly the black sheep of the family and have never followed family norms so my conversion shouldn't really come as a surprise to anyone. But hopefully they will be pleasantly surprised at how good Islam is and that its not what the media or some people portrays it to be.
Tuesday, May 29, 2012
The Beginning
Just beginning in Islam and it is a slow process. Not everything comes in one day as we may think it would. Slow and steady. Mistakes are a given but learning from them is essential.
Learning something new everyday and relearning something new everday
I have learned that people have these preconceived notions that are far off base and many refuse to believe that those beliefs are distorted and false. I am a great believer that you can't rationalize with irrational people who refuse to open their hearts and minds. They will have to take that up with God.
Saturday May 27th 2012 Yard Sale at my moms
We had a yard sale and on Saturday and retired soldier showed up and was buying my old rocking chair. My step dad jokingly said we have a bit of everything here, we even have a terrorist. The soldier looked at me and said that not all muslims are bad. I was thrilled that he validified that for my stepdad and my mom. Then he added his own muse by saying as long as she doesn't shoot at me we're fine lol......
Thank you for your service and fighting for our freedoms here in American and for the freedoms of others in other countries.
Thank you for your service and fighting for our freedoms here in American and for the freedoms of others in other countries.
Friday, May 25, 2012
Not in order
If you are reading my blog pay attention to the dates on my journal posts because I just created this account but the original entry dates to my journal that I have copied and pasted are older. lol.....they are not in order due to losing my memorty stick thingy with some of my journal entries. :)
One month of Hijab
4/17/2012
Tomorrow Wednesday the 18th will mark my 30 days wearing a hijab. It has been an enlightening month, a time for self-reflection and self-awareness. I have been back and forth between being just spiritual and Christian. If I am going to be completely honest with myself I cannot claim Christianity. I think the religion is peaceful and loving and promotes those qualities when people truly do what it says. However, there are so many inconsistencies, conflictions, and it says one thing in one chapter in something in another. Too many interpretations and too much government shoving Christianity down the throats of people and laws. It’s discouraging.
My family is Christian, do I disappoint them? Do I disappoint my mother and father? Do I risk rejection from them? Do I disappoint God? Is Christianity the only answer? Do I have to convert to Islam to feel the wonderful world of modesty and learning more about myself and my own spirituality? Am I insulting Muslims by doing this? Do I continue to debate with people or talk with them in hopes to bring enlightenment? Is the hijab a symbol of terrorism that has killed so many Americans? The last question came from a police officer that I used to work with and if a police officer said this on his own facebook page who works in a state that has the largest Middle Eastern and Muslim community in America what does that say about his ability to do his job fairly and objectively should he come in contact with a Muslim person or a middle eastern person? He works only two cities away from Dearborn and three from Detroit that holds the largest Middle Eastern and Muslim communities in Michigan. Can he continue to work unbiased as a sergeant for this department? Wow, huge.
Self-awareness and self-acceptance is an ever evolving thing. I have been single since 2009 for the first time in my life since I was 20. I have only been married once during that time, however, always with a man, a few good but the rest bad and two really, really bad. My experiences with men have definitely affected my life and not positively for the most part. I do recognize that I have yet to regain my trust in people and I am responsible for my choices and healing. I am ok with my past because it has brought me where I am today.
Why am I wearing the hijab? That is one of the first questions people ask me when they know who I am or find out I am not Muslim. I have more than one or two reasons. If I told people it is only for a social study it would not be the whole truth. I have been drawn to the culture of the Middle East since I was young and could remember. Learning Egyptian and Greek mythology were among my favorite subjects. I don’t think I knew there was another religion besides Christianity until I was in the 8th grade and was required to take “Confirmation” through our Lutheran Church. It was only then that we visited a Synagogue and learned a little bit of Judaism. I don’t remember ever being taught anything on Hinduism, Buddhism or Islam or any other religion for that matter. I remember learning a little bit about Islam from my ex-husband who is considered Muslim but he doesn’t practice the religion. Still, I have been drawn to the head cover thinking it was beautiful and mysterious. I never knew the significance of the hijab. When I was a police officer I definitely developed a very negative and pessimistic view of all of society and its people even muslims, however, having been forced to leave law enforcement was the best thing for me because I was able to reconnect with society and develop normal feelings and perceptions about people as a whole. I was able to differentiate between real assholes and good people.
I know that wearing a hijab feels natural as if I have been wearing one for my whole life. I can’t imagine ever not wearing it. I am girly and froufrou and enjoy looking like a women and enjoy being told I look nice or that I am pretty. I used to be addicted to shoes and bags, whelp, now I have an addiction to hijabs and all the accessories and a new way of dressing modest without looking drab and dull. Yes, dressing modestly is about being modest; however, women enjoy looking pretty and feminine while being modest.
I have started trying to sew my hijabs and have realized it is much harder than it looks. However, I think I enjoy bargain shopping for new scarves more and sprucing them up with beads and sparkles. I enjoy going to the Salvation Army and Goodwill looking at old jewelry and making them into accessories. I enjoy looking for tunic type tops to wear with my jeans. I am enjoying this experience as a whole.
I don’t know where all this is going to lead me but I look forward to the future.
Tomorrow Wednesday the 18th will mark my 30 days wearing a hijab. It has been an enlightening month, a time for self-reflection and self-awareness. I have been back and forth between being just spiritual and Christian. If I am going to be completely honest with myself I cannot claim Christianity. I think the religion is peaceful and loving and promotes those qualities when people truly do what it says. However, there are so many inconsistencies, conflictions, and it says one thing in one chapter in something in another. Too many interpretations and too much government shoving Christianity down the throats of people and laws. It’s discouraging.
My family is Christian, do I disappoint them? Do I disappoint my mother and father? Do I risk rejection from them? Do I disappoint God? Is Christianity the only answer? Do I have to convert to Islam to feel the wonderful world of modesty and learning more about myself and my own spirituality? Am I insulting Muslims by doing this? Do I continue to debate with people or talk with them in hopes to bring enlightenment? Is the hijab a symbol of terrorism that has killed so many Americans? The last question came from a police officer that I used to work with and if a police officer said this on his own facebook page who works in a state that has the largest Middle Eastern and Muslim community in America what does that say about his ability to do his job fairly and objectively should he come in contact with a Muslim person or a middle eastern person? He works only two cities away from Dearborn and three from Detroit that holds the largest Middle Eastern and Muslim communities in Michigan. Can he continue to work unbiased as a sergeant for this department? Wow, huge.
Self-awareness and self-acceptance is an ever evolving thing. I have been single since 2009 for the first time in my life since I was 20. I have only been married once during that time, however, always with a man, a few good but the rest bad and two really, really bad. My experiences with men have definitely affected my life and not positively for the most part. I do recognize that I have yet to regain my trust in people and I am responsible for my choices and healing. I am ok with my past because it has brought me where I am today.
Why am I wearing the hijab? That is one of the first questions people ask me when they know who I am or find out I am not Muslim. I have more than one or two reasons. If I told people it is only for a social study it would not be the whole truth. I have been drawn to the culture of the Middle East since I was young and could remember. Learning Egyptian and Greek mythology were among my favorite subjects. I don’t think I knew there was another religion besides Christianity until I was in the 8th grade and was required to take “Confirmation” through our Lutheran Church. It was only then that we visited a Synagogue and learned a little bit of Judaism. I don’t remember ever being taught anything on Hinduism, Buddhism or Islam or any other religion for that matter. I remember learning a little bit about Islam from my ex-husband who is considered Muslim but he doesn’t practice the religion. Still, I have been drawn to the head cover thinking it was beautiful and mysterious. I never knew the significance of the hijab. When I was a police officer I definitely developed a very negative and pessimistic view of all of society and its people even muslims, however, having been forced to leave law enforcement was the best thing for me because I was able to reconnect with society and develop normal feelings and perceptions about people as a whole. I was able to differentiate between real assholes and good people.
I know that wearing a hijab feels natural as if I have been wearing one for my whole life. I can’t imagine ever not wearing it. I am girly and froufrou and enjoy looking like a women and enjoy being told I look nice or that I am pretty. I used to be addicted to shoes and bags, whelp, now I have an addiction to hijabs and all the accessories and a new way of dressing modest without looking drab and dull. Yes, dressing modestly is about being modest; however, women enjoy looking pretty and feminine while being modest.
I have started trying to sew my hijabs and have realized it is much harder than it looks. However, I think I enjoy bargain shopping for new scarves more and sprucing them up with beads and sparkles. I enjoy going to the Salvation Army and Goodwill looking at old jewelry and making them into accessories. I enjoy looking for tunic type tops to wear with my jeans. I am enjoying this experience as a whole.
I don’t know where all this is going to lead me but I look forward to the future.
Thursday, May 24, 2012
Today
Ok, I have copied and pasted everything I had on my computer in regards to my journal. I have a memory stick somewhere around here with more journal entries. Among some of my experiences is my first experience with my pharmacist, the public and someone waving me across the street in front of their car as I walked to the parking lot then raced his/her car up to me as I passed in front of their car. That was the scariest. All in all, family and friends have been both the most supportive while others offensive and rejecting.
I will post those when I find my memory stick.
I will post those when I find my memory stick.
My return response email to my father....
May 23rd, 2012
Dad,
You will be happy to know that I never spoke to anyone in regards to religion. I researched this on my own for a very long time then asked questions. No, I am not a fanatic or extremist and will not be selling carnations at the airport dancing and singing "hare krishna" anytime soon or singing Kumbayah around the camp fire smoking funny cigs, (Robin told me to put anytime soon lol) In addition, I am not controlled by anyone or anything and have a brain and think for myself.
Islam is not about what you see on t.v. and what the media has portrayed it as. There are fanatics and extremists in every belief system from Christianity, to Islam, Judiaism, Hindu and so on....even Agnostic atheist or a realist (show me the proof) :) Those fundamentalists, extremists or fanatics do not represent all the people practicing those faiths as a whole and that includes Islam. All extremists of any belief hide behind beliefs and use them to justify their violence which says they are not really religious at all but very violent animals.
I found several videos on youtube after I converted to help answer questions from people. It is an American man about your age that converted 20 years ago and was a preacher no less. He does a dang good job at explaining things. Just so you know that Islam is not about extremists.
I am a huge believer in live and let live so I don't believe in debating others in their religious preferences. So thank you for your support in this. I would like to reitereate that drinking the "kool-aide" and being held up at a compound in the middle of no where praising a moon God and chanting in tounges is not gonna happen. Though I have heard Robin chanting to hereself lately so you may want to address that when she visits. :)
We are doing well and I will tell Kev you said hi.
You and Judy take care of yourselves and I hope all is well with you both.
Love you,
Tracie
Dad,
You will be happy to know that I never spoke to anyone in regards to religion. I researched this on my own for a very long time then asked questions. No, I am not a fanatic or extremist and will not be selling carnations at the airport dancing and singing "hare krishna" anytime soon or singing Kumbayah around the camp fire smoking funny cigs, (Robin told me to put anytime soon lol) In addition, I am not controlled by anyone or anything and have a brain and think for myself.
Islam is not about what you see on t.v. and what the media has portrayed it as. There are fanatics and extremists in every belief system from Christianity, to Islam, Judiaism, Hindu and so on....even Agnostic atheist or a realist (show me the proof) :) Those fundamentalists, extremists or fanatics do not represent all the people practicing those faiths as a whole and that includes Islam. All extremists of any belief hide behind beliefs and use them to justify their violence which says they are not really religious at all but very violent animals.
I found several videos on youtube after I converted to help answer questions from people. It is an American man about your age that converted 20 years ago and was a preacher no less. He does a dang good job at explaining things. Just so you know that Islam is not about extremists.
I am a huge believer in live and let live so I don't believe in debating others in their religious preferences. So thank you for your support in this. I would like to reitereate that drinking the "kool-aide" and being held up at a compound in the middle of no where praising a moon God and chanting in tounges is not gonna happen. Though I have heard Robin chanting to hereself lately so you may want to address that when she visits. :)
We are doing well and I will tell Kev you said hi.
You and Judy take care of yourselves and I hope all is well with you both.
Love you,
Tracie
Dads response....
May 23rd, 2012
Tracie,
Although I don’t understand your need to be Muslim or Islam, that is your choice. I sincerely hope you’ve made this decision for good personal convictions and not for some fanatical or fade reason. Being that I am an Agnostic atheist or a realist (show me the proof)… I put religion in with the masses that can be easily swayed by so called leaders of religion.
I will admit that I don’t know anything about Islam but what I see, and what I see is a people that are a controlled people. I do not say this out of authority but again from what I see. For example the people that will strap a bomb to themselves and kill for so called “religious” reasons. These are a controlled people, being controlled by cowards that get others to do their bidding for them. Do you really think there is a deity or so called higher power that want people to kill themselves along with others, I don’t think so? Again they are controlled into doing such an act… I know this is a bit extreme in thought but just the way I see it… Maybe this war we are in has brought this religion to the fore front in not such a good manner but in a dim light. But again religion being what it is probably eases the mind and comforts the sole in time of need…!
I know all people aren’t like that, just that some are strong willed and others not so much.
Hope you and Kevin are both doing well. Say hi to Kev for us.
Dad
Letter to my Dad and Stepmom
May 22nd, 2012
How are the both of you? I am doing good.
I am writing to let you know that I have made a change in my life. I am going to just come out with it and let you know I have spent a long time looking into different religions and have made a change to Islam. Most people know and I have not made a secret of it. However, Robin said I should let parents know. lol....I didn't think it would be that huge of a deal but apparently she thinks so. At 44 I guess I spend little time informing people of my decisions but this is rather big.
I am officially Muslim but still the same Tracie and that hasn't changed.
Love you both,
Tracie
I am writing to let you know that I have made a change in my life. I am going to just come out with it and let you know I have spent a long time looking into different religions and have made a change to Islam. Most people know and I have not made a secret of it. However, Robin said I should let parents know. lol....I didn't think it would be that huge of a deal but apparently she thinks so. At 44 I guess I spend little time informing people of my decisions but this is rather big.
I am officially Muslim but still the same Tracie and that hasn't changed.
Love you both,
Tracie
*sn* I was so terrified to say anything as always no one likes to be rejected. But I also felt that I don't need to inform my parents with every decision I make with my life. Glad my sister urged me to say something. I have yet to tell my devout Christian mom....now that is scary.
Wow...wow....wow
May 18, 2012
Some days are so surreal. I can’t believe I finally converted to Islam. First let me clarify that I am not thinking “oh dear God what have I done.” It’s more like wow….wow….wow….I stayed true to myself. I followed my gut, my heart……….my path……I listened.
Back to the pharmacy.....
May 17, 2012
Today I went to the pharmacy and this time it went much better. I was bracing myself for the jokes as they are always funny. But the pharmacist was very nice when he found out I found my spirituality. I also found out Tracy has family who is Muslim as well, very interesting.
Shahada......wasn't a matter of if....just a matter of when.
May 7, 2012
Shahada is the oath one takes to become Muslim. On Saturday, May 5th, 2012 I took my shahada with the help of my friend Nasrine and her husband. This journey has been amazing and I had to finally stop lying to myself and others.
My life has been a process of always pleasing others at the sacrifice of my own feelings and beliefs. From the time I was a young girl I remember church being an important part of our lives. It was a Sunday and sometimes a whole weekend ritual of spending the night with grandma and grandpa for church on Sunday then the big family dinner after church. It was tradition and I love my grandparents for that experience.
With many Christian families Christianity includes Sunday school and church, sometimes Wednesday, Saturday bible schools and always usually summer bible school. We were not exempt from this. It is what I grew up knowing, it was the only option given to me and taught to me. I really wanted to please God and my family. I have always been terrified of what would happen if I strayed from Christianity and took another faith.
I have always been pulled to something else that was unknown to me. I finally listened…..
What I have learned so far...
April 29th, 2012
Strangers have been cool; it's the people I know, or, thought I knew that are showing some true colors. I always say intolerance is always offensive regardless of who it comes from.
T his is what I have personally learned from these experiences thus far in my journey and adventure. At 44 years of age I DON'T MAKE ANY APOLOGIES for my decision and choices in my journey. I DON'T ask for permission for what I do, nor do I seek anyone's acceptance or approval. That includes from family and friends. Just ask anyone who knows me. I share in hopes that someone may learn tolerance or something about themselves they didn't know before. What I have learned about myself in the past three years is what I should have known a long, long time ago and that fear of rejection NO LONGER exists. I have learned that people have misinformed, preconceived notions about race, ethnicity, religion and sexual orientation that drives them which has nothing to do with me. That is their misery and hell to wallow in. Mine is to grow and look forward to my next day.
Strangers have been cool; it's the people I know, or, thought I knew that are showing some true colors. I always say intolerance is always offensive regardless of who it comes from.
I am totally in my comfort zone! I have found my comfort zone takes people out of their comfort zone which is when their problem arises.
In my head
April, 28th
“In my head”
So, I was deleted by someone out of Ecorse because I am wearing a hijab. I knew to expect negativity from people so it is not surprising. My experience of negativity is still with people I know as opposed to complete strangers. I am learning a lot more about people I know and their true selves.
April 4th 2012
This was an inbox I received on April 4th, 2012 by someone from a city I used to work in. I am finding out peoples true colors on this journey.
"damn girl i gotta delete u u r not arab WOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
WWWWW"
***lol he really deleted me too***
"damn girl i gotta delete u u r not arab WOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
WWWWW"
***lol he really deleted me too***
Post: 04/14/2012
Conversation on facebook following a post with a man missing a leg. My first real experience with uneducated, mininformed person with preconceived notions. This is a police officer no less working near thee largest Middles Eastern community in the United States noless.
Me: "The bionic person is becomming a reality."
Former coworker: "Are you still wearing that "hajib"?"
Me: "Yup and no plans of taking it off"
Former coworker: "are you muslim?"
Me: "I'm still me regardless if I am or not."
Former coworker: "Strange"
Me: "not at all"
Former coworker: "Its a symbol of a culture where woman have no rights. where its ok to to persecute woman for going to school or driving. where woman are to cover up but the men can do anything they want. Its also a symbol of a culture that is responsible for the soldier having no leg."
*My response on the same date. (Keep in mind he called me strange before the above statement.)*
Me: "No its not, first and foremost, I cover myself because I have that freedom of choice and I am not being forced to nor am I oppressed. The religion I chose to follow makes no difference. I spent nearly 6 months researching this and talking to people and taking classes. It is in no way a sign of oppression for women of the Middle East let alone any other country that is a HUGE misconception. If people took more time to research it they would know it is not a sign of oppression. Second, we are in America not in the Middle East, two totally different worlds, or maybe not so different at all. We may have more freedoms as women but it has not been all that long that we have had such freedoms. It has only been since the 1920’s that we have been voting and only since the 1970’s that women have truly been allowed to work the streets as officer like that of men and only since the 1980’s since domestic violence laws were enacted and the 1990’s that VAWA (Violence Against Women Act) was enacted to protect women. So the Middle East is a bit behind. We can only pray they catch up, in fact, they are fighting for the right to drive and it was only last year that Manal al-Sharif (was totally a fan of her FB page last year and supported her along with women all over the world) was arrested for driving in Saudi Arabia taking a stance. They are currently fighting for their rights. In fact, still today women are still fighting in America to keep their rights to make decisions for their own bodies like having an abortion. Here in America we have what is called FREEDOM OF RELIGION. So trust me when I tell you that Muslim women cover themselves by choice. And then you have some Muslim women who chose not to cover; some from the same family. Women wear the hijab and cover themselves as their dedication to God and it’s what is in the BIBLE and Qur'an. Dressing modestly is a good thing and I find it funny that people accept a woman who chooses to dress with her ass and tits hanging out and that is normal and ok but a woman who cho0ses to wear a hijab is oppressed. SMH…..It’s all a matter of how and if a woman in America choses to cover themselves. Up until the late 70's Catholic women had to wear a veil into church. Amish, some sects of Baptist, Mormons and many Christian women dress modestly and cover themselves. Is it a sign of oppression when we see a nun wearing a hijab? NO! I am NOT oppressed and I do it by choice and I love it. I have both a bible and a Qur’an at home along with books on Buddhist, Judaism and Hinduism. I also have a world religions book and I have spoken to many people of different religions and watching many documentaries before I came to this decision for myself. Strange is a perception one holds when something they perceive is outside of their comfort zone or understanding."
*sn* I am learning to deal with people that feel like this in a more pleasant, short, sweet and to the point kind of way.
First Day of Wearing Hijab to Class and the Pharmacy
March 28,
Today I went to my first class and wore my hijab. I was about an hour late to class and walked in making an entrance lol. Jen and Lynette laughed at me and snickered. I expected reactions but I don’t know if I expected laughing. Regardless, I sat down right next to the laughing young ladies who have never seen me cover myself in the year that I have taken classes with them so I understand the immediate shock. But they kept it up and then asked questions and the laughing stopped and dialogue began. Maybe next week will be different.
After class I traveled to the pharmacy in Detroit to get my prescription. I have to admit I did call and talk to Grace and told her what to expect when I walked in because I do know them all too well. Or so I thought. When I went to get my prescription the Pharmacist Mike was very loud when he yelled, “you make one ugly Muslim” and I felt my face flush red. I really did not expect that from someone I knew and have admired and worked with for 5 years. I looked at Grace and Tracy and they just looked on as if they were uncomfortable with his loud attempts at humor and knew he crashed and burned but I laughed it off with him knowing he meant nothing but to give me a hard time. He meant NO malice at all but it didn’t stop the sting. People’s true colors arise when they see a woman in hijab and when it is someone I know who only knows me without the hijab it is more shocking to them. In saying that, their reactions are the reactions I expected from strangers not acquaintances or family.
My last class was at 6:30 pm and I was expecting much of the same reaction that was trending that day with everyone else I knew, but it didn’t happen. People were mature and no one said anything and no one laughed (at least not to my face or that I could hear.)
Non-Muslim Hijab day 1
March 18, 2012
Tonight I wore a hijab while walking both dogs around my sister’s neighborhood. I felt fine. Then again, I was walking two big dogs. I was very comfortable in the hijab but was very aware of people staring as I walked by. Today I felt like I stuck out like a sore thumb.
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