Today a friend has told me he is fascinated by what I am doing. Meaning my conversion to Islam. I started this journey as a social study but it turned into much more. As I have said before it was always more and the social study was my excuse to start living the life I was always meant to live.
He is not the first to keep track of my journey, ask questions, and support me and it feels wonderful. This journey has mainly been uneventful and my only highs have been my own emotions and feelings on my journey. I have not worried about the lost friends or family because it is their own feelings and issues to deal with. I can make my own worries and troubles I don't need theirs. Other negativity comes from people I don't know on social sites like facebook and YouTube. I have come across some very racist bigoted people and even more Christian evangelical fundamentalist who are terrorists that just haven't taken a life yet. OMG....the evil people in this world that hide behind any religion is terrible.
Overall, this has been a positive move.
Sunday, July 29, 2012
Interview Tuesday the 31st of July
I have an interview on the 31st. I have been laid off for the past year and a half. I am desperate for a job because my unemployment runs out very shortly. I know that many people have ill feelings towards Muslims and are afraid of Muslims so I fear I will not get this job because of it. I have been struggling with the decision to wear my hijab or to leave it home. I may not be good at practicing and being consistent with my prayers but my conviction is true to my very core. I know where my heart is. I do not want to live a lie at work and people will be suspicious if I show up to work wearing hijab, taking it off for work then putting it back on to go home. The only reason I shouldn't wear it if it is hazardous to my job.
I had at least three non-Muslims who support me tell me to be true to myself and my religion shouldn't matter to who hires me as long as I can do the job. It touched my heart the support they gave.
I still have two days to make my decision.
I had at least three non-Muslims who support me tell me to be true to myself and my religion shouldn't matter to who hires me as long as I can do the job. It touched my heart the support they gave.
I still have two days to make my decision.
Thursday, July 19, 2012
Every experience is just that, an experience. Not a big deal!
Since I started wearing hijab and converted to Islam I have had many different reactions. As I have always said the reactions from people I know have been more pronounced than from strangers. However, there have been a few times when strangers have made their disgust or dislikes apparent. I compare such experiences with the ones previous to wearing hijab.
Most people just stare which is nothing unusual or discomforting. However today when I went into the local dollar store that I have been going to for the past three years I experienced something odd to me. The women who usually said hello just starred and as I walked down the isle to retrieve the item I was looking for I turned to see one of the workers at the end of the isle starring at me. She said nothing but was looking at me. I said hello and smiled as I walked past her and she said nothing. She walked back to where she was standing when I entered the store. lol...I find some of the experiences funny as to how blatant people are. That had never happened to me before so I am fully aware of the difference in reactions that I experienced prior.
As a part of my journey I also post a few things on facebook. Today someone thought I, and I quote,
"I think you make to much out of this and maybe want to create some drama to get your point across!"
I assure you I do not have to lie or create drama around my experience. People are who they are and they feel the way they feel. 98% of my experience has been positive. 2% has been negative and the negative has mainly come from family and friends. I found the incident I described above to be rather humorous and decided to share. Aside for some racist keyboard warriors on my Youtube account who have said some blatantly malicious things and a few friends and family members this journey has been positive. I have learned that people who really don't know me take what I post differently then those who do. Sometimes I just need to chose how to say something more carefully.
Quite frankly I have had a wonderful experience during my journey and love my life.
Most people just stare which is nothing unusual or discomforting. However today when I went into the local dollar store that I have been going to for the past three years I experienced something odd to me. The women who usually said hello just starred and as I walked down the isle to retrieve the item I was looking for I turned to see one of the workers at the end of the isle starring at me. She said nothing but was looking at me. I said hello and smiled as I walked past her and she said nothing. She walked back to where she was standing when I entered the store. lol...I find some of the experiences funny as to how blatant people are. That had never happened to me before so I am fully aware of the difference in reactions that I experienced prior.
As a part of my journey I also post a few things on facebook. Today someone thought I, and I quote,
"I think you make to much out of this and maybe want to create some drama to get your point across!"
I assure you I do not have to lie or create drama around my experience. People are who they are and they feel the way they feel. 98% of my experience has been positive. 2% has been negative and the negative has mainly come from family and friends. I found the incident I described above to be rather humorous and decided to share. Aside for some racist keyboard warriors on my Youtube account who have said some blatantly malicious things and a few friends and family members this journey has been positive. I have learned that people who really don't know me take what I post differently then those who do. Sometimes I just need to chose how to say something more carefully.
Quite frankly I have had a wonderful experience during my journey and love my life.
Tuesday, July 10, 2012
Having a few days to think about it....Honestly, I have been treated better by strangers who have opened their hearts and their minds.
The more I think about it the more I digest my mothers reaction. I understand she is entitled to her beliefs and due to her Christian beliefs she is worried about me. She did attempt to help me shop for more froufrou girly clothes but is it too much to just be happy for me that I have found a faith that I connect too? The strain she shows is obvious and I am torn between understanding and being offended.
My whole life has been spent worrying about what others thought and trying to conform to others beliefs and what they like so I would not be rejected. I finally step out on my own and do something from my heart and for me and lol I feel somewhat rejected and....I can't find the word. Anyway, it is very off putting. To get caught up in your own beliefs that you think it is the only answer or way and feel you have to insult others with telling them "Jesus is going to visit them" with a tone that was insulting is insulting and sort of makes me mad. I was not brought up to think I was better then the next person so when did that all change?
I did not chose to be Christian, it was the only thing I was taught. It was the only thing that I thought I had an option to be. I wasn't given a choice to learn about other religions, to study or educate myself with them. I never connected with Christianity regardless of how much I tried to understand, believe and practice it. If truth be told I haven't been Christian for years. I tried to take my son to church but how could I make him go to church when I knew I wasn't fully on board with Christianity.
I never understood the "trinity" and I never understood how the bible could tell us there are no good spirits just demons and fortune telling and horoscopes that tell your future are evil yet Jesus was supposedly embodied after death by God and brought back to life and the bible is full of teachings of the future. It just doesn't make sense to me and never has.
For someone to sit and tell me about my religion and what is in the Qur'an yet has never read the Qur'an and relies on what they have heard someone else say about the Qur'an. Yet when I address it with them and give them the correct meaning or correct teaching they adamantly deny what I say and insist on believing the demonizing of the Qur'an. Its insulting as a 44 year old woman who has studied this for a long time before converting to be yelled at as if I was wrong when my mother was wrong. I don't care who it is or how old the person is. I don't care if it were my 87 year old grandfather or my 65 year old mother if your wrong your wrong and I will not just keep my mouth shut because you feel your older and I should respect what you say even though you are wrong. Not going to happen with me! I chose to follow Islam for a reason because it is the right religion. I feel they are being left behind with their choice of Christianity, however, I do not tell them they are wrong and if my mom points out the things she thinks she knows about the Qur'an I point out the same thing in the Bible and oh my God she gets so mad. NO NO NO...and she is offended. Well, don't tell me mine is wrong regardless if I try to tell you the correct meaning or teaching and not allow me the same respect to do the same.
Ugh....I pray to Allah this will pass. I will have more patience and continue to follow my path. I prayed to God to guide me in the right direction no matter what direction that was and he led me to the truth of Islam. I am happy. That is what matters. I have decided that I will not be attending the family reunion. As much as people tried to make me comfortable and not say anything about Islam I could feel the tension. Mom was more worried about what my grandfather and auntie would think (which made me more nervous) then saying so what, your my daughter and if your happy and found a faith that if for you then who cares. smh.....nope....couldn't get that. Every time I said something about wearing hijab and asked if my neck was covered I could feel her discontentment. Her whispers to my sister under her breath that I could hear. smh......My father who is atheist may not understand but he is supportive. If one more person tells me to worry about a grandparents reaction instead of saying "ya know what Tracie is happy and living a wonderful life happily and she found a faith that has led her to God and that is OK" I will just distance myself further until they decide to come around. I will continue to live a good life and hopefully they will see by example that it is the right one and just be happy for me. Honestly, I have been treated better by strangers who have opened their hearts and their minds. I was taught to love everyone and respect everyone and not to push my beliefs on them. Some of the same family that taught me that is not practicing that.
Masha'Allah they come around.
My whole life has been spent worrying about what others thought and trying to conform to others beliefs and what they like so I would not be rejected. I finally step out on my own and do something from my heart and for me and lol I feel somewhat rejected and....I can't find the word. Anyway, it is very off putting. To get caught up in your own beliefs that you think it is the only answer or way and feel you have to insult others with telling them "Jesus is going to visit them" with a tone that was insulting is insulting and sort of makes me mad. I was not brought up to think I was better then the next person so when did that all change?
I did not chose to be Christian, it was the only thing I was taught. It was the only thing that I thought I had an option to be. I wasn't given a choice to learn about other religions, to study or educate myself with them. I never connected with Christianity regardless of how much I tried to understand, believe and practice it. If truth be told I haven't been Christian for years. I tried to take my son to church but how could I make him go to church when I knew I wasn't fully on board with Christianity.
I never understood the "trinity" and I never understood how the bible could tell us there are no good spirits just demons and fortune telling and horoscopes that tell your future are evil yet Jesus was supposedly embodied after death by God and brought back to life and the bible is full of teachings of the future. It just doesn't make sense to me and never has.
For someone to sit and tell me about my religion and what is in the Qur'an yet has never read the Qur'an and relies on what they have heard someone else say about the Qur'an. Yet when I address it with them and give them the correct meaning or correct teaching they adamantly deny what I say and insist on believing the demonizing of the Qur'an. Its insulting as a 44 year old woman who has studied this for a long time before converting to be yelled at as if I was wrong when my mother was wrong. I don't care who it is or how old the person is. I don't care if it were my 87 year old grandfather or my 65 year old mother if your wrong your wrong and I will not just keep my mouth shut because you feel your older and I should respect what you say even though you are wrong. Not going to happen with me! I chose to follow Islam for a reason because it is the right religion. I feel they are being left behind with their choice of Christianity, however, I do not tell them they are wrong and if my mom points out the things she thinks she knows about the Qur'an I point out the same thing in the Bible and oh my God she gets so mad. NO NO NO...and she is offended. Well, don't tell me mine is wrong regardless if I try to tell you the correct meaning or teaching and not allow me the same respect to do the same.
Ugh....I pray to Allah this will pass. I will have more patience and continue to follow my path. I prayed to God to guide me in the right direction no matter what direction that was and he led me to the truth of Islam. I am happy. That is what matters. I have decided that I will not be attending the family reunion. As much as people tried to make me comfortable and not say anything about Islam I could feel the tension. Mom was more worried about what my grandfather and auntie would think (which made me more nervous) then saying so what, your my daughter and if your happy and found a faith that if for you then who cares. smh.....nope....couldn't get that. Every time I said something about wearing hijab and asked if my neck was covered I could feel her discontentment. Her whispers to my sister under her breath that I could hear. smh......My father who is atheist may not understand but he is supportive. If one more person tells me to worry about a grandparents reaction instead of saying "ya know what Tracie is happy and living a wonderful life happily and she found a faith that has led her to God and that is OK" I will just distance myself further until they decide to come around. I will continue to live a good life and hopefully they will see by example that it is the right one and just be happy for me. Honestly, I have been treated better by strangers who have opened their hearts and their minds. I was taught to love everyone and respect everyone and not to push my beliefs on them. Some of the same family that taught me that is not practicing that.
Masha'Allah they come around.
Monday, July 9, 2012
Vaca with my mom and sister
My mom asked my sister and I to drive with her to North Carolina from the 3rd to the 8th of July. This made me a bit nervous because this is the side of the family that are devout Christians. Even though my mom had not said anything about my converting she is not happy and will never understand because she has in her head what she "thinks" she already knows about Islam. She refuses to listen to any videos I have provided. Maybe she fears of learning the truth, that Islam is the only way or that low and behold Islam is the exact opposite of what she "thinks" already knows. My nervousness became more profound when my mom said my grandpa was "probably" already going to try to talk me out of Islam and that I was not to talk back to him because he is 87 years old.
Well the car ride started out tense because my mom tried telling me that Islam was wrong and I was wrong. I told her that I would have to believe in all the teachings of Christianity to believe that and I don't. I believe that the Bible is the word of God. I do not believe Jesus is his son nor that Jesus died on the cross. I believe Jesus is a great prophet and Mohamed is the last prophet. My mom said "I told you not to read the Qur'an" and with a bit of a over fundamentalist tone "Jesus is going to come visit you." These close minded views and pushy over and undertones of some Christians is a huge turn off for me and pushes me further away from those types of people. I love my mother, however, I can't tolerate that type of belief, attitude or way of communicating and passing judgment.
All though there was nothing said to me in North Carolina there was tension and I could feel it. If they have hopes of me reconverting they will be disappointed. I am and will always be Muslim. I love Allah and it is the only way for me! I dare say that it has always been that way because I have always felt a disconnect from Christianity; even as a child. I have never really understood Christianity in the way that it was taught and some of the teachings. i.e. trinity, son of God etc...
Even now I question, if in the bible there are no such thing as good spirits just evil then how is Jesus embodied by a spirit and brought back to life from death. In today's time we call someone who rises from the grave a zombie who eats the brains of humans. And for those who wake from death in a hospital or at home a medical miracle or its just plain simple they weren't really dead in the first place and their body needed a break and time to recover. Or the answer I like the best is that there is only one God! No trinity, no savior or son of Christ. Just plain and simple God. My relationship with God is my own. I love Allah! My mom wanted to argue my belief but alas it is not what I believe in. She argued about a religion she knows nothing about except what someone has filled her head with and refuses to believe what I had to say because it goes against her beliefs. That is fine and dandy but don't push your views and beliefs on me. I am not pushing mine on you or anyone else. That goes for any family, friend or persons I am acquainted with or do not know.
It was at my cousins house in North Carolina that I had a good laugh to myself at her husbands attempt to ruffle my feathers. We all arrived and were sitting in her beautiful back yard when her husband came out in a black t-shirt with the word "infidel" written on it in English and Arabic. Yes a not so subtle way of announcing ones disgust with Islam and a personal attack on me since he knew I was on my way to visit. I did not address it because I was not about to encourage or acknowledge his racist bigot statement and feed into his hate and contempt. However, I had a good laugh to myself at the patheticness of it all and at him!
During the trip I did not see one Muslim woman, at least not one wearing a hijab. Not until we reached the Ohio/Michigan border where we stopped to eat dinner. Again, my moms disgust and anger towards my beliefs released and she started in again with my views are wrong and she added her (misinformation) knowledge about the Qur'an and its teachings. She refused to believe me when I told her, her information was incorrect and yelled at me. smh.....that is the attitude and behavior of someone who lives in fear of the truth that goes against what they believe and are to afraid to and refuse to believe anything different then what they already have in their heads. Sometimes we have to distance ourselves from those people. Since this is my family I am talking about I will keep contact and love them but I will not put myself out there or go out of my way to prove myself in anyway.
I do have to say my sister (who I drive crazy at times...well ok all the time) supports me unconditionally. She is one of a few. My sister, son, niece, dad, and a few others in my family support me.
Sometimes we just have to get up and walk away from those who do not support us or who do nothing but focus on their hate and misinformation about other peoples religion, ethnicity or whatever beliefs they may have.
I am Muslim and I am proud!
Well the car ride started out tense because my mom tried telling me that Islam was wrong and I was wrong. I told her that I would have to believe in all the teachings of Christianity to believe that and I don't. I believe that the Bible is the word of God. I do not believe Jesus is his son nor that Jesus died on the cross. I believe Jesus is a great prophet and Mohamed is the last prophet. My mom said "I told you not to read the Qur'an" and with a bit of a over fundamentalist tone "Jesus is going to come visit you." These close minded views and pushy over and undertones of some Christians is a huge turn off for me and pushes me further away from those types of people. I love my mother, however, I can't tolerate that type of belief, attitude or way of communicating and passing judgment.
All though there was nothing said to me in North Carolina there was tension and I could feel it. If they have hopes of me reconverting they will be disappointed. I am and will always be Muslim. I love Allah and it is the only way for me! I dare say that it has always been that way because I have always felt a disconnect from Christianity; even as a child. I have never really understood Christianity in the way that it was taught and some of the teachings. i.e. trinity, son of God etc...
Even now I question, if in the bible there are no such thing as good spirits just evil then how is Jesus embodied by a spirit and brought back to life from death. In today's time we call someone who rises from the grave a zombie who eats the brains of humans. And for those who wake from death in a hospital or at home a medical miracle or its just plain simple they weren't really dead in the first place and their body needed a break and time to recover. Or the answer I like the best is that there is only one God! No trinity, no savior or son of Christ. Just plain and simple God. My relationship with God is my own. I love Allah! My mom wanted to argue my belief but alas it is not what I believe in. She argued about a religion she knows nothing about except what someone has filled her head with and refuses to believe what I had to say because it goes against her beliefs. That is fine and dandy but don't push your views and beliefs on me. I am not pushing mine on you or anyone else. That goes for any family, friend or persons I am acquainted with or do not know.
It was at my cousins house in North Carolina that I had a good laugh to myself at her husbands attempt to ruffle my feathers. We all arrived and were sitting in her beautiful back yard when her husband came out in a black t-shirt with the word "infidel" written on it in English and Arabic. Yes a not so subtle way of announcing ones disgust with Islam and a personal attack on me since he knew I was on my way to visit. I did not address it because I was not about to encourage or acknowledge his racist bigot statement and feed into his hate and contempt. However, I had a good laugh to myself at the patheticness of it all and at him!
During the trip I did not see one Muslim woman, at least not one wearing a hijab. Not until we reached the Ohio/Michigan border where we stopped to eat dinner. Again, my moms disgust and anger towards my beliefs released and she started in again with my views are wrong and she added her (misinformation) knowledge about the Qur'an and its teachings. She refused to believe me when I told her, her information was incorrect and yelled at me. smh.....that is the attitude and behavior of someone who lives in fear of the truth that goes against what they believe and are to afraid to and refuse to believe anything different then what they already have in their heads. Sometimes we have to distance ourselves from those people. Since this is my family I am talking about I will keep contact and love them but I will not put myself out there or go out of my way to prove myself in anyway.
Sometimes we just have to get up and walk away from those who do not support us or who do nothing but focus on their hate and misinformation about other peoples religion, ethnicity or whatever beliefs they may have.
I am Muslim and I am proud!
Sunday, July 1, 2012
North Carolina trip with mom and my sister
Taking a last minute trip to North Carolina with my mom and sister on Tuesday. I am excited and nervous. I am really looking forward to this trip but do not know what to expect. This is the side of the family who are devout Christians and I do not want to spend my time with my family in a huge debate over Christianity and Islam. I know that people fear what they don't understand and have never learned about. Hopefully I will be a good role model for who Muslims are and its nothing to fear. :)
I am not afraid of them trying to talk me out of being Muslim. I just don't know what to expect whether they will be accepting or full of fear and misunderstanding. I can't use the word hate because I have never known my family to hate anyone. We were brought up to love and respect everyone. I would not say my family is normally full of fear misjudgments but we are not perfect either. I haven't been around them since I converted but I have heard some statements that would make my concerns realistic which is no need to point out who they are or what it was. It is what it is but I still love them with all my heart.
I will be fine, Insha' Allah, Allah gives me the knowledge and strength to be the best and most positive example of Muslim I can be. Insha'Allah, Allah will help me find the words and answers. Insha' Allah they will not have any problems with me or my religion and just see the same ol' Tracie. :)
I am not afraid of them trying to talk me out of being Muslim. I just don't know what to expect whether they will be accepting or full of fear and misunderstanding. I can't use the word hate because I have never known my family to hate anyone. We were brought up to love and respect everyone. I would not say my family is normally full of fear misjudgments but we are not perfect either. I haven't been around them since I converted but I have heard some statements that would make my concerns realistic which is no need to point out who they are or what it was. It is what it is but I still love them with all my heart.
I will be fine, Insha' Allah, Allah gives me the knowledge and strength to be the best and most positive example of Muslim I can be. Insha'Allah, Allah will help me find the words and answers. Insha' Allah they will not have any problems with me or my religion and just see the same ol' Tracie. :)
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