Tomorrow Wednesday the 18th will mark my 30 days wearing a hijab. It has been an enlightening month, a time for self-reflection and self-awareness. I have been back and forth between being just spiritual and Christian. If I am going to be completely honest with myself I cannot claim Christianity. I think the religion is peaceful and loving and promotes those qualities when people truly do what it says. However, there are so many inconsistencies, conflictions, and it says one thing in one chapter in something in another. Too many interpretations and too much government shoving Christianity down the throats of people and laws. It’s discouraging.
My family is Christian, do I disappoint them? Do I disappoint my mother and father? Do I risk rejection from them? Do I disappoint God? Is Christianity the only answer? Do I have to convert to Islam to feel the wonderful world of modesty and learning more about myself and my own spirituality? Am I insulting Muslims by doing this? Do I continue to debate with people or talk with them in hopes to bring enlightenment? Is the hijab a symbol of terrorism that has killed so many Americans? The last question came from a police officer that I used to work with and if a police officer said this on his own facebook page who works in a state that has the largest Middle Eastern and Muslim community in America what does that say about his ability to do his job fairly and objectively should he come in contact with a Muslim person or a middle eastern person? He works only two cities away from Dearborn and three from Detroit that holds the largest Middle Eastern and Muslim communities in Michigan. Can he continue to work unbiased as a sergeant for this department? Wow, huge.
Self-awareness and self-acceptance is an ever evolving thing. I have been single since 2009 for the first time in my life since I was 20. I have only been married once during that time, however, always with a man, a few good but the rest bad and two really, really bad. My experiences with men have definitely affected my life and not positively for the most part. I do recognize that I have yet to regain my trust in people and I am responsible for my choices and healing. I am ok with my past because it has brought me where I am today.
Why am I wearing the hijab? That is one of the first questions people ask me when they know who I am or find out I am not Muslim. I have more than one or two reasons. If I told people it is only for a social study it would not be the whole truth. I have been drawn to the culture of the Middle East since I was young and could remember. Learning Egyptian and Greek mythology were among my favorite subjects. I don’t think I knew there was another religion besides Christianity until I was in the 8th grade and was required to take “Confirmation” through our Lutheran Church. It was only then that we visited a Synagogue and learned a little bit of Judaism. I don’t remember ever being taught anything on Hinduism, Buddhism or Islam or any other religion for that matter. I remember learning a little bit about Islam from my ex-husband who is considered Muslim but he doesn’t practice the religion. Still, I have been drawn to the head cover thinking it was beautiful and mysterious. I never knew the significance of the hijab. When I was a police officer I definitely developed a very negative and pessimistic view of all of society and its people even muslims, however, having been forced to leave law enforcement was the best thing for me because I was able to reconnect with society and develop normal feelings and perceptions about people as a whole. I was able to differentiate between real assholes and good people.
I know that wearing a hijab feels natural as if I have been wearing one for my whole life. I can’t imagine ever not wearing it. I am girly and froufrou and enjoy looking like a women and enjoy being told I look nice or that I am pretty. I used to be addicted to shoes and bags, whelp, now I have an addiction to hijabs and all the accessories and a new way of dressing modest without looking drab and dull. Yes, dressing modestly is about being modest; however, women enjoy looking pretty and feminine while being modest.
I have started trying to sew my hijabs and have realized it is much harder than it looks. However, I think I enjoy bargain shopping for new scarves more and sprucing them up with beads and sparkles. I enjoy going to the Salvation Army and Goodwill looking at old jewelry and making them into accessories. I enjoy looking for tunic type tops to wear with my jeans. I am enjoying this experience as a whole.
I don’t know where all this is going to lead me but I look forward to the future.
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