When did I start my journey to Islam and why did I become Muslim? The reply to this question doesn't come with one answer.
There are many things in life that inspire us and make us emotional whether it is happy, sad or elated, angry, frustrated, motivated, loved etc....
For me nothing can make me swoon and become so emotional as my son makes me feel. My son is the very air I breath. He is an adult now but nonetheless he is my child and that bond will always be strong and unbreakable. One other thing that brings me such joy and happiness is Islam. I still struggle with the teachings at times but I know I have people to turn to when I need answers or explanations to the things I do not know or understand.
No other religion has affected me nor has any other
religion put tears in my eyes and joy in my heart as Islam has. It is such a
misunderstood religion and I wish people could see what I saw in it before my
conversion and now after. I knew from a very young age I was drawn to women who
wore a veil (hijab) but didn't know why. It was as if I was destined to find
Islam and the second I put a scarf on I knew it would never come off.
I truly respect Christianity as it is the very foundation of my religious experience, it was with Christian teachings that I was raised. However, as I have mentioned before in another post, I never felt the same connection with Christianity as I do with Islam. I never understood the trinity regardless of how many times I heard the story. I didn't know where I belonged in life. When I was young I didn't know Islam existed but I never lost faith that there was a higher power at work, a God, something, then for a long time I just gave up and thought Christianity was it and maybe only being spiritual was the other option. My parents nor family ever taught me about Islam nor did the churches we ever attended. Not that I recall anyway. The only teaching we were subjected to other than Christianity was when my Confirmation class leaders at the Lutheran church took us to a Synagogue to witness a Bar Mitzvah. That was it. I was taught that Christianity was the only way to get into heaven and Jesus was the son the father and the holy ghost. None of which ever in my life made sense but never to be questioned. In saying that, Christianity is a wonderful religion and I was blessed to have such a wonderful religious foundation that makes Islam that much more amazing to me.
When I was young I remember being fascinated with belly dancers, movies with scenes from the Middle East, in books and even seeing pictures of early Christians following Jesus who wore hijab. I was mesmerized and knew it was a good thing. I was never taught that is was bad either. When I was in the 6th grade we studied Greek and Egyptian Mythology. I love, love, loved learning about Egyptian pharaohs and queens and Greek Gods and Goddess. I felt so connected to the teachings of those times, the people and the countries. I still do. :) But alas, I still didn't know why at such a young age.
What was marriage to a man who was born Muslim like? Even though I had been married to a Muslim for many years we didn't talk about Islam nor did he teach me anything. He had expressed that he didn't practice Islam nor had he ever stepped foot in a Mosque. However, he was raised in an Islamic run country and culture. All I knew is that he was Muslim and that meant the Muslims portrayed by the media and hate mongers were not who my ex-husband and his family were. They were and still are wonderful people. I knew enough (and I still do) to be able to tell the difference between good and bad. I knew it was a familiar feeling living inside a middle-eastern home and very comforting to me.
It wasn't until I became a police officer and worked in a city just miles away from the largest Middle Eastern community in the United States did I become more aware of Islam and hijabi's. We all remember where we were when 9/11 happened and me included. I sat in the resting area of the women's locker room at the gym I belonged to and by the time I made it home both towers were coming down and Islamic terrorists had taken credit. Islam had come to the forefront of everyones attention and thus came all the hate, stereotypes, misinformation's and preconceived notions. To be honest that included myself as well. I have to admit I didn't understand modesty or Islam and was under the impression it was oppressive. I too received my Islamic and Muslim education via other people and the media. When 9/11 came to pass my perceptions of modesty, hijabi's and Islam were some how validated. Had I ever spoke to a Muslim about Islam, hijab or modesty? NO! Had I ever asked a Muslim questions? NO! My interactions with Muslims as a police officer were not positive, however, my interactions with most citizens were not positive but those few interactions further help shape my perception. I still did not take the initiative to ask questions as most people do not. In all fairness, my perception of all people while I was an officer was negative and skewed. It wasn't until I left police work that I began to repair my twisted view of the public and realized the majority of people are wonderful and not everyone was an asshole, criminal or suspect.
Once I left police work I was able to open my self up to people and living with my ex-boyfriend in west Detroit on the border of Dearborn enabled me to interact with many Muslims and I felt at home in a Middle Eastern community once again and the familiarity was very comforting. I remember doing my laundry at our local laundromat which was owned by Muslims. True to form my ex expected his clothing washed regardless of my health status so I sat in the laundromat with a terrible sinus infection which came with a fever and a migraine. The young Muslim man who was working behind the counter kept looking at me as he talked on the phone and then came over with several cold wet clothes and wrapped them around my neck and forehead. He said "why are you working when you are so sick?" My reply, "someone has to do it." I thought, "omg how very sweet" and as long as it took me to do my laundry he made sure the clothes stayed cold. I was reminded once again in life Muslims were not all what the media portrayed them to be and many people formed their opinions and beliefs off of misinformation and preconceived notions.
Now, lets discuss modesty because I was once the complete opposite of modest *snort/giggle*. I will not post the pictures but trust when I say everything was tight and the revealing of bare skin all over was a norm. For me, modesty is such a blessing and a wonderful comfort. First, of course because Allah asks me to cover and second because I feel much more beautiful and amazing!!!! People notice me for me, not for what I am *hehem/clears throat* displaying. For myself, (and I can only speak for me) that is such an extraordinary feeling. For people to be focused on me and not my boobs or my butt and thighs is a good thing. Their first impression is of just me.
Some people will automatically believe and say that hijabi's are oppressed women being forced to cover themselves and men treat them like possessions and beat them. I personally would have never converted to a religion that would oppress me, hold me back or be mistreated. I don't feel oppressed and at the end of the day it is my choice to cover. I do so because God has asked me to and because I have never felt more free in my life than I do now.
Lets look at the definition of modesty: (mod-es-ty) "Reserve or propriety in speech, dress or behavior." (
http://www.thefreedictionary.com/modesty)
I like the above definition because it entails more than just "dress" because hijab is more than just about covering your body, its about how we project ourselves with character, the way we act/"behavior" and the way we talk to other people/"speech." Hijab and modesty is about all of those things. It is who we are.
Finally, in the past few years after I left my last boyfriend I became friends with a young lady who also converted. If I ever had questions she would answer them and she has always been so sweet and kind. I purchased a Qur'an in late 2010 or early 2011 and started reading it and it was last year that decided I needed to walk in the shoes of Muslim women, I needed to wear hijab. I decided that in January and didn't put on a scarf until March 18th. (yes I remember the exact date.) I knew I never wanted to take it off but alas, I worked security and didn't know if they would allow it. So every day I would wear the hijab to and from work and only took it off while I worked during the day. lol I worked security standing in a bank. It also took me a while to wear it to school. I started off slowly then it became an everyday thing and everywhere. I became more aware of my surroundings and peoples reactions to me. My senses were very heightened and I noticed most everything for a long time. The stares the whispers the facial expressions.....everything. Now I am oblivious to it and could care less. I still notice the outward and blatant mean looks, stares and actions from people but have found it easier and easier to just ignore them. My son has a hard time ignoring it and it irritates him, however, I tell him to ignore it because people are mostly curious and once I speak to them they will loosen up. (usually) I tell my son it is always good to remain calm, polite and very nice. People respond better to that behavior better and it leaves a lasting impression on them to what the majority of Muslims are like and supposed to be like.
My first visit with my friend who has a young 6 year old son and who is one of "thee" smartest young boys I have met was a memorable visit. Such a joyful and kind boy to be around. The visit was made more memorable when his mother asked him if he wanted to recite Ayat ul Kursi to me. I believe he was a bit shy so he whispered the words in Arabic in my ear.....
"Ayat ul Kursi
ALLAAHO LAA ELAAHA ILLAA HOWA, AL-HAYYUL QAYYOOMO, LAA TAAKHOZOHU SENATUWN WALAA NAWMUN,
LAHU MAA FIS SAMAAWAATE WA MAA FIL ARZE, MAN ZAL LAZE YASH-FA-O' I'NDAHU ILLAA BE-IZNEHI, YA'LAMO MAA BAYNA AYDEEHIM WA MAA KHALFAHUM, WA LAA YOHEETOONA BE SHAYIM MIN I'LMEHI ILLAA BEMAA SHAAA-A, WASE-A' KURSIYYOHUS SAMAAWAATE WAL ARZA, WA LAA YA-OODOHU HIFZOHOMAA, WA HOWAL A'LIYYUL A'ZEEM."
"Surah Al-Baqara
Allah! There is no God save Him, the Alive, the Eternal. Neither slumber nor sleep overtaketh Him. Unto Him belongeth whatsoever is in the heavens and whatsoever is in the earth. Who is he that intercedeth with Him save by His leave? He knoweth that which is in front of them and that which is behind them, while they encompass nothing of His knowledge save what He will. His throne includeth the heavens and the earth, and He is never weary of preserving them. He is the Sublime, the Tremendous. (255)" (
http://www.duas.org/Misc/aayat_alkursi.html#Trans)
There is NOTHING and I mean there is NOTHING more sweet then a 6 year old reciting such a beautiful scripture in your ear.....again tears welling up. If you have never heard such a beautiful thing you have truly missing out. Just reading this scripture wells up such emotion in me and when I combine it with the memory of my first visit it makes it that much more sweet.
In addition, as I wore hijab everyday I started to listen to more Islamic teachings on Youtube by people like Yusuf Estes and the Youtube channel Islam on Demand. I started asking more questions and the more I asked the more learned and loved. Then came the day, I knew (eyes welling up with tears and I haven't even put them into words on this post yet) I knew it was time to take my Shahadah. I was speaking to my friend on the phone knowing I wanted to take my shahadah as soon as possible and didn't want to wait another moment, I just didn't know how or where which is why I called her. It was then she told me they (she and her husband could do it and yes I am now in tears and have a running nose because I am overwhelmed with such emotion) could do it in their home. I was already walking out the door dressed to drive over an hour away for my shahadah. I didn't tell anyone in my house, I just left. My friends husband (a wonderful Egyptian man) had left for his job and turned around to give me my shahada. Once they gave me a lesson on the 5 pillars of Islam and explained everything in detail so I would understand, we washed and prayed then I repeated the words with so much emotion that it was more of a whisper fighting to sound coherent and audible as tears streamed down my face and as my emotions overwhelmed me.
"ASH-HADU ANLA ELAHA ILLA-ALLAH WA ASH-HADU ANNA MOHAMMADAN
RASUL-ALLAH".
In English: "I bear witness that there is no deity (none truly to be worshipped) but,
Allah, and I bear witness that Mohammad is the messenger of Allah."
My friend never left my side once, she sat by my side for the lesson, prayed by my side and sat again by my side for my shahadah never leaving me, she is truly my sister and I am so thankful for her.
Never had Christianity made me so emotional, never had I felt so close to any religion as I had to Islam and to this day I can't think of that very moment without being brought to tears. All in all I have learned over the years you will find good and bad comes in all shapes and forms and from every race, religion, non-religion and ethnicity. I have learned that we're the example we set for all human beings and for the Muslim community.
So again, I ask, when did I start my journey to Islam? My answer is...........My whole life has been my journey and Islam has always been my destiny. I am Muslimah and I am proud!
